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Mow the Dog

What is Mow? Where am I? Where the hell are my pants??
No, not ours, you pervert...the STUDIO equipment
FACILITY...is a more impressive word than ROOM
Almost live shots of somewhat live musicians
Cool events and happenings in Central New Jersey
Good bands, bad bands, bands with really funny names
Oddball stuff from the Mow the Dog archives


Mow the Dog presents the Wonders of Wartooth

wartooth.jpg (11483 bytes)

"I've got a headache and a strange rash"
Wartooth, friend of studio and all-around strange fellow, 1999

This page includes strange stories, odd views of everyday life, and numerous entries of useless information.  Some of what you see here is original, some has been collected after many late-night wanderings through internet sites your mother warned you about.  Read on, friends...but do so with caution and an open mind.
(a sixpack of Schmidt's Light and cheap whiskey wouldn't hurt, either)

Send your useless mindspam to wartooth@wolfenet.com and be sure to visit his graphic design company at http://www.tuskdesign.com

January 3, 2002 - Drinking Fault Finder

A solution to all of your drinking troubles:

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

November 15, 2001 - Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:


Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

August 10, 2001 - The Man Answer List:

  1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
  2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
  3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
  4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
  5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
  6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. Farting is another fun thing for men!!
  7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
  8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
  9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
  10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
  11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
  12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
  13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
  14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
  15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying?

July 4, 2001 - If Men Ruled the World:

  1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
  3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
  4. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
  8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
  13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
  14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  15. Garbage would take itself out.
  16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
  17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
  18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
  20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
  21. But it would be celebrated every month.
  22. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
  23. Two words: Ally McNaked.
  24. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  25. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
  26. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  27. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  28. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  29. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

    Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
    You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
    Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

  30. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
  31. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
  32. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  33. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
  34. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation

April 4, 2001 - To Women Everywhere from a Man Who's had Enough:

  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

  • If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to actlike soap opera guys.

  • If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

  • If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

  • Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

  • Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

  • Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

  • Shopping is not a sport, and, no, we're never going to think of it that way.

  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

  • Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work.  Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

  • We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

  • Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

  • Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

  • Check your oil.

  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  • Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

  • You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  • ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

  • If it itches, it will be scratched.

  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

  • If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

  • What the hell is a doily?

38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid - March 21, 2001

  1. A few clowns short of a circus
  2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
  3. An experiement in artifical stupidity
  4. A few beers short of a six-pack
  5. Dumber than a box of hair
  6. A few peas short of a casserole
  7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
  8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
  9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
  10. One taco short of a combo plate
  11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
  12. All foam, no beer
  13. The cheese slid off the cracker
  14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
  15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
  16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
  17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
  18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
  19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
  20. As smart as bait
  21. Chimney's clogged
  22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
  23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
  24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
  25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
  26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
  27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
  28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
  29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
  30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
  31. No grain in the silo
  32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
  33. Receiver is off the hook
  34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
  35. Skylight leaks a little
  36. Slinky's kinked
  37. Surfing in Nebraska
  38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

Stunod Stew: A Traditional Super Bowl Fest - January 26, 2001


    - 1 lb. freshly slaughtered Bambi-type deer, chopped into 1-inch cubes
    - 1 large onion, diced
    - 1 green pepper, diced
    - 1 can black beans
    - anything in the spice rack
    - band-aids (yes...the who box)
    - 1/2 cup of flour
    - 1 large bottle of red wine (& 1 glass)

  1. Taste wine to be sure that it is the correct vintage.  If not, drink it and purchase a new bottle.  Repeat this process until the right wine is found or you've lost all feeling in your tongue.

  2. Dredge venison in season flour.

  3. Brown meat, pepper and onion

  4. Add one cup of red wine.  Once again taste the wine to ensure that it hasn't oxygenated in the time that the bottle was opened.   If so, repeat step one.  If your extremities become numb, the nitrate level is perfectly attuned to the dish.

  5. Add enough water to bring the pot to 2/3 full.

  6. Have a glass of wine to toast the fact that the dish is half-done.

  7. Heat uncovered until pot is 1/2 full.   Add more wine to both the stew and yourself.

  8. Boy it's getting warm in here!

  9. Dig throught the cabinets for spices.   Add whatever you find, you can't taste anything anyway.

  10. While it simmers, put on a sturdy pair of flip-flops, take another long swig from the bottle and go outside and shovel the driveway.   It's not going to shovel itself, dammit!

  11. Drain the beans and add them to the pot, with a little more wine.  Afterwards, go ahead and put some wine in the stew too.

  12. By now, someone has realized that you've chopped half your finger off.  Let 'em put band-aids on it, if they insist.   There's no time to argue, the wine is getting warm.

  13. Stir the stew continuously at this point. If you are interrupted by a pesky telemarketer, proceed to rip the phone out of the wall and throw it out into the snow.  Hey!  That deserves a glass of wine!

  14. The bottle's empty.  Serve your guests now, before you fall asleep.

Clues your swimming pool might need a good cleaning - July 3, 2000

- That green tarp covering your pool?  Look again, Sparky. 
- Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline. 
- pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible. 
- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first. 
- Skipping rocks across it causes sparks. 
- New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard. 
- Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels. 
- Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing. 
- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo. 
- "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom. 
- You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus. 
- Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside. 
- Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray. 
- You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie. 
- The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.  

Warnings that Should Appear on Alcohol - May 31, 2000

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you're not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to hay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to beleive ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to beleive you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby  small (and sometime large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may CAUSE pregnancy.

Why Men Are (Justifiably) Proud of Themselves - March 27, 2000

1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still  be our friend.
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

Feeling Old??? - January 4, 1999

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.  Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that years incoming freshmen.

Here is this year's list:

- The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
- They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
- They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
- Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
- There has been only one Pope.
- They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
- They have never feared a nuclear war.
- They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
- Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
- Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
- Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
- Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "You sound like a broken record." means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.
- They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Ping-Pong.
- They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
- As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
- They have always had an answering machine.
- Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
- They have always had cable.
- There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
- They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
- They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
- Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
- Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
- They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
- Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
- They have never seen Larry Bird play.
- They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
- The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
- They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
- They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
- They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
- They never heard: Where's the beef?, Id walked a mile for a Camel, or de plane, de plane They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
- The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
- Michael Jackson has always been white.
- Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
- McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
- There has always been MTV.
- They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Things to Say After Sex (go ahead and give it a try...what could it hurt) - December 13, 1999

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Top Ten Things to Say to a Waiter - December 10, 1999

10. Eight hour lunch; two dollar tip!
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage."
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo."
5. Insist that, before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks back to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!"
1. Three words: Eat the check!

Things I Like - October 5, 1999

1. I like noodles.
2. I like it when my dog licks the lint from between my toes.
3. I like the smell of meatloaf in the morning.
4. I like new shoes after a several months . . . when they're all broken in.
5. I like it when my kids pass gas in synchronous stench.
6. I like a good backscratching.
7. I like Hershey bars with almonds . . . but not without.
8. I like M&M's with peanuts . . . but not without.
9. I like nuts.
10. I like running naked through the woods.
11. I like it when clouds look like frightened elephants.
12. I like day old donuts.
13. I like rain.
14. I like whistling Dixie.
15. I like getting my dog outside just before he yacks up a mass of hairy yellow goo.
16. I like greasy pork sandwiches with extra barbeque sauce.
17. I like scaring the neighbors.
18. I like having old, wormy apple fights with my kids.
19. I like round chocolate cake, but not square.
20. I like a good dump.

This comes from a father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children.

1.  There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
2.  If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.
3.  A 4-year-old's voice is louder than those of 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear & a Superman cape.
5.  It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
6.  Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7.  When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
8.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
9.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10.  The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late.
12.  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, lots of it.
13.  A 6 year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14.  A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15.  If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing basebal shoes,  it does not leak-- it explodes.
16.  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house almost   4 inches deep.
17.  Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
18.  Duplos will not.
19.  Play dough and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
20.  Super Glue is forever.
21.  McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22.  So can Tarzan.
23.  No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.
24.  Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
25.  VCR' s do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
26.  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27.  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28.  You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29.  Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30.  Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31.  The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
32.  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
33.  It will, however, make cats dizzy.
34.  Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35.  A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

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